Search This Blog

Monday, 15 February 2016



We live in a world of cultural diversity, different nationalities, different races and peoples of different religious affiliations, we are born into families and for some of us, other countries exist only on the forgotten fringes of the atlas, this article aims to educate, to entertain, and most of all, to ridicule, sit back, relax, and join me in this journey of written discovery, the countries that we know nothing about, rarely read about and never think about. These countries are populated, and like your country, they have capital cities and presidents. Enjoy your read.

Capital: Baku
Population: 9.417 million (2013)
President: Ilham Aliyev
Currency: Azerbaijani manat
Continent: Asia
Azerbaijan, the nation was a member of the Soviet republic; it is surrounded by the Caspian Sea and Caucasus Mountains, that is in itself enough information to render one asleep till July, but we soldier on, In the noble pursuit of knowledge, Its capital, Baku, is known for its medieval walled city, think of castles and the likes and you are on the right track, Within this walled city, lies the Palace of the Shirvanshahs, a royal building, enough with the academic blah blah.
Azerbaijan is a country with citizens and a capital city to boot, I for one couldn’t convince myself of that fact until I goggled and found information on it, even then I was a little reluctant until my geography atlas confirmed the fact, I didn’t even want to know the country’s capital city, my argument being, if the country’s name is in itself such a mouthful! What of its capital, thank God the capital city is named Baku.
You would be forgiven to think names ceased to exist and that’s why whoever was responsible for naming this country settled on that. “Azerba. Urgh! You try it, that name can be responsible for a serious case of tonsils.

Capital: Djibouti
Population: 872,932
Currency: Djiboutian franc
Continent: Africa
Official languages: French, Arabic
Located on the horn, yeah, you heard right, the HORN of Africa, Djibouti is a country of shrub lands, volcanic formations and salty bodies of water. Come to think of it, Djibouti is perhaps the last place anyone will ever think of, and that is a fact. You don’t believe, try this experiment, close your eyes, and place yourself in a meditation state of mind, and picture Djibouti, very shortly you, like me, will come to the conclusion that, that is impossible.
Sometimes I think this vocabulary disaster of a name was done intentionally, Djibouti! the name belongs in a dark, long forgotten marvel movies’ file, maybe the name a character was given then thought of as whack and taken back, If I was a citizen of this country, I would write to the UN begging for an intervention, I wouldn’t sit back and torture myself everyday thinking about the embarrassment the country’s name was causing, and as a result, embarrassing me in extension.

Capital: Astana
Population: 17.04 million
Currency: Kazakhstani tenge
President: Nursultan Nazarbayev
Even the internet, the father of all truths, knows very little of this county, have you ever heard or watched a movie with references to this place, better yet, have you ever heard someone, anyone say they were citizens of  Kazakhstan. It is that obscure, shrouded in mystery and lost to thought. Existing on the fringes of information and the edges of the atlas.
What happened to simple, beautiful names like America, Kenya, Brazil, Australia, England, Sweden, Spain and Canada?  I mean, Kazakhstan! Seriously! As a name! Whoever is responsible for this miasma should be arrested, tied to the back of a Bugatti veyron, dragged through the streets of Amsterdam and arrayed in the international court of thieves and offenders, The Hague! Following that, they should be sentenced to serve a lifetime in the cold prisons of Siberia. Maybe then, they will learn their lesson. Kazakhstan! Makes you want to vomit, wipe your mouth, drink some water and vomit again.

Capital: Bishkek
Currency: Kyrgyzstani som
Population: 5.72 million
President: Almazbek Atambayev
Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian county, home to snow leopards, lynx and sheep, that is as far as educating you about this country goes. Let’s get back to the good stuff.
Hahahahahaha! Forgive me, I just had to laugh at that one, am not even going to critique this one, the president should be given the Nobel Prize of the most embarrassing country name in the whole universe. And to think that this country participates in the Olympics, a shame, I figure, if aliens existed, they would stay in this particular country, it would no doubt possess an alien appeal to their alien sense of humor. In my over imaginative mind, I can actually picture aliens walking the streets of Kyrgyzstan, doing summer shopping and communicating via some form of advanced cell phones. Kyrgyzstan, the country of aliens and the absurd, it would be called, at least then we would know about it, and the name wouldn’t sound so strange, it would be fitting for the country’s citizens.

Capital: Vaduz
Population: 36,925
Liechtenstein is a German-speaking nation, located between Austria and Switzerland. Popular for its medieval castles, alpine chalets and villages linked by trails. And guess what, the absolute killer! It is only twenty five kilometers long! That means you can drive the whole length of the country and back in under one hour!
If I wasn’t still aching from laughing at the previous country’s name, I would laugh at this also, Liechtenstein, the name reminds me of a particularly nasty night mare that waking up saved me from on the eve of New Year, well, that is beside the point, what is the point? Is there really a point to naming a sovereign state with citizen this way! Even tourists wishing to visit must really get discouraged I figure. I for one wouldn’t visit this country even if I had a rumor diamond was growing on the streets. The name frightens me, what then would actually going there do, “ladies and gentle men, fasten your seatbelts, we are landing in Liechtenstein in ten minutes.”  No sooner would the pilot say that than I would faint and wake on the returning flight.

Capital: Naypyidaw
Continent: Asia
Currency: Burmese kyat
President: Thein Sein
Official language: Burmese
Myanmar was formerly known as Burma, makes you wonder whatever in hell possessed these people to change that perfectly good name for this, it is located in South Asia and is known by those that know it for its bustling market places and numerous lakes.
You would be forgiven to assume that the country’s name was the name of an endangered species of bird found in the Amazon forests of South America. God knows that’s what I first thought. I wasn’t too far off on my guess either, Myanmar is a jungle country, covered by a humongous jungle where deadly snakes roam to strike at the unsuspecting citizen, whose only crime would be being born in that country, if you doubt me, well, visit Myanmar and see for yourself, I hazard you will return will some king cobra mark on your legs to show for your trouble. And an angry attitude to boot, me on the other hand, would assume my I told you so face.

Capital: Tashkent
Currency: Uzbekistani som
Population: 30.24 million
President: Islam Karimov
Uzbekistan is a central Asian nation, formerly part of the soviet republic, known for its mosques, mausoleums and other sites linked to the Silk Road.
This here is a good example of human confusion, my opinion is, some idiot president somewhere wanted to name this country BEKI, another faction in the government thought STAN would probably be a better name, still another faction thought. “Why not UZ!” so in the end, after a lot of no nonsense discussions over state luncheons, they settled on UZBEKISTAN. I for one would very much like to have those gentle men over; I would strip them naked and force them to march through the streets yelling. “We should not name our country stupid names!” over and over again till they learn the error of their ways. I would then ship them back to their country, deck them in Armani suits, make them call a press conference, whose Agenda would be, you guessed right, changing the country’s name.

Capital City: Ashgabat
Population: 5.24 million
President: Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
Currency: Turkmenistan manat
Located in Central Asia, on the shores of the Caspian Sea and largely covered by a desert called the Karakum desert on the mainland, the county is known mainly for its archaeological ruins.
The above information reads like the script of some epic fantasy, authored by George Martin or something, it certainly doesn’t seem like information on a county existing anywhere on planet earth. The capital city’s name sounds like a bad disease, an epidemic scouring away the earth’s population, place yourself in Turkmenistan’s president’s shoe, at the UN summit, you meet President Obama in the corridors and introduce yourself, “hello, my name is Jezrel, President of the sovereign state of Turkmenistan.” if I was president Obama, I would fake a coughing fit just to get away, then rush and inform the security that a mad man was in the building, posing as a president.

Capital: Victoria
Currency: Seychellois rupee
Population: 89,173
Continent: Africa
President: James Michel
Seychelles, A mouthful indeed, is an archipelago nation of 115 islands in the Indian Ocean. Very close to East Africa, it is a big tourist definition, a paradise on earth for lack of a better word, a favorite among travelers who have in the past discovered this destination, known for its beaches, coral reefs, scuba diving, nature reserves and rare wildlife. Seychelles is indeed a place to visit.
My opinion is, those responsible for naming this sovereign state were bored, lacking anything of meaning to do, they then turned to the only thing they could see that merited doing, coming up with the country’s name, one gentleman, satisfied and lazy after his enormous luncheon, decided that, since the country was an island in a sense, surrounded by the ocean, they should call it Sea, the others refused this saying sea was too obvious a name, they needed something sophisticated, a name hitherto unheard of, another very lazy mind suggested they name the country Hell, to mock the biblical hell, this too was denied, with the argument being that the church would feel offended, in the end, they merged the two and came up with, wait for it, Seychelles.
I hope that for all those ignorant of this country’s existence, this article has done its job. And now you know. Off all the countries whose names are vocabulary juggernauts, this is the only one I would very much like to visit.

Capital: Luxembourg City
Population: 543,202
Currency: euro
If you thought Europeans were somewhat refined and civilized, then you, like me will be severely disappointed. What if not madness, would result in a country being named such a mouthful. And to add salt to injury, the capital city is called Luxembourg City. God help us all.
I for one thought Europe was a continent of countries with suave and sophisticated names, Sweden, United Kingdom, Portugal, Italy, the Vatican, Greece, and Finland. Imagine my horror and absolute disappointment discovering this state, hidden on the fringes of the atlas, I felt utterly betrayed, more like our lord and savior felt when he was betrayed by his favorite disciple. I was possessed by a sudden uncontrollable desire to tear my clothes, wear sack clothes instead and pour ashes on my head, to usher in a period of prayer and fasting for this country and its peoples.
What stayed my hand and caused me to abstain from that rash course of action, was the realization that the country’s name is not the fault of the citizens, those who came up with this disaster of a name are long dead, waiting the day of judgment, to answer for their crimes. One of which will be, naming a country Luxembourg!

No comments:

DENNIS ohuru

DENNIS ohuru