The hood called Eden.
In the beginning, Adam, a nigga holding it down in the hood called
Eden. Pimped out in Versace, with Jays on his feet like in the chorus of
that song 23 by Miley Cyrus, was enjoying a siesta with his mamacita Eve when suddenly she decided to go on a stroll.
“Yo Adam, let me hit the Jacuzzi in the garden for a few.” She said jovially and set out with purpose, she was dressed in a Victoria Secrets bikini,
and was looking real good. Looking real good. Just before she got to
the Jacuzzi the hater Lucifer showed up, now you need to understand that
Lucifer was always trying to hit it but Eve refused him severally.
So when he showed up, his heart green with envy he hollered. “E.V.E,
you looking good gal! Same as always, same as always, I got something
for you.” And Eve was like, “What the deal is?” Then Lucifer was like “ I
got this apple laptop in my crib, and I can pour you some Ciroc too, plus I really think you need to let me hit that.” Well, you know how that story ended.
The burning bush
One hot day Moses was out doing some touring, he had left his Porsche
911 back at his hacienda, preferring to just go on foot. Besides, he
had his iPod too, and was listening to some maybach music. Suddenly he spied a burning bush. Damn, he got curious my nigga.
So he decided to go check it out. “Let me drop by in my new new, in
my you can’t afford this and check that out.” he thought to himself.
When he got to the bush, he noticed something strange, the bush was
burning but the bush wasn’t burning. He was like. “W.T.F!” He didn’t know that God was in the fire.
Also Moses was wearing these Timberland boots and that really pissed God off, because God preferred Gucci. So God shouted. “MOSES, TAKE OFF THOSE SHOES!” Yeah, something of the sort.
The escape from Egypt
Now Pharaoh, a filthy rich Arab had enslaved the Israelite s. He used
them to build him some really great real estate like that pyramid of
Giza and shit. Then he rented out the real estate and bought himself
expensive stuff. A Bugatti Veyron, A BIG ass yacht and some nice
platinum bling bling. He thought he was clever. But one day, my nigga
Moses gave a hell of a speech and caused the Israelite s to riot. The
speech went like this. “This pharaoh is a pussy ass nigga, he sits in
his 10 bed roomed mansion while we bust our asses out here every day.
Well, he can kiss my ass. Come with me and let us burn this
motherfucker. Am out!” And the Israelite s burned that place and got the
hell out of there.
David and Goliath
David was a handsome young fella in Israel. All the bitches in his
hood fancied him. Because he had this charming smile and a mischievous
twinkle in his eye, and David loved them back. Indeed, David’s favorite
song was always strapped by Bird-man and Lil Wayne. Each day as he
sauntered in his neck of the woods, with a bevy of damsels behind him,
he could be heard singing the chorus
“Always strapped when I hit the club, niggas give me dap,
bitches give me hugs, and since am paid, niggas be mugging me, you know
I’m mugging back, bitches be loving me, they know I love em back.”
And then he would delve into verse one.
“Check me out look…
26 inches, bitch I’m sitting crooked
Old school Chevy, faster than a silver bullet…
Straw berry paint, seats vanilla pudding…
Two bitches, gone and eat each others pussy…
Top chopped sent the car to the barbershop…
My driveway looks something like a parking lot…
I’m so unorthodox…
I got your bitch riding my dick with no shocks…Bounce bitch, bounce, bounce.
In short, those were the happy days, the days before Goliath showed
up. Now Goliath was a beast of a nigga, belched out from the underworld
to ravage pillage and rape. All the while singing Lil Wayne’s pussy,
money, weed. Indeed, Goliath loved only three things, pussy, money and
weed. And so he set black fear into the hearts of the Israelite s. “I
will kill you all, cut out your heads and piss in your throats, and then
I’ll finish it off by raping your corpses.” He bragged. He was a
warrior unlike any other. But in the end, David fucked him up.
Solomon and his harem
Solomon, the son of David was the greatest Casanova the world has
ever seen, the greatest the world will ever see. I mean, if you want a
nigga who had them bitches. Then it’s this brother. Can you believe that
my homeboy Solomon had 1000 bitches? Caucasian bitches, ebony bitches,
black bitches, white bitches. All kinds of bitches. He even had bitches
who loved bitches. Solomon would wake up like. “I want to fuck a white
bitch today, or I want to fuck two bitches today.” Isn’t that the life
to live? If I had 1000 bitches I would be like, “fuck yeah!!”
To be continued……
Wednesday, 6 April 2016
The joy of writing is exploring uncharted waters, revealing hidden truths, judging and substantiating mannerisms, all from a position of convenience. (Bujabs Dennis)
Being a guy, that is to say, a male specimen of the Homo sapiens species is trying at best. Nevertheless, we (guys) all dance to the adage when given lemons, make lemonade. Nature dealt us this card, and so we play, and while doing that, we entertain thoughts. Please understand that these thoughts are not meant to demean or discriminate. These thoughts are derived from common curiosity, the wish to know. After all, if curiosity killed the cat, then satisfaction brought it back.
WHAT IS IN THE HEAD OF THE BRIGHTEST STUDENT?
At one point in life, every boy has fell prey to this, it usually reveals itself in a school setting, just after the teacher/professor or lecturer hands back the results to an exam, only for the culprit to realize, that the things they wrote as answers couldn’t have been further from the truth. To add salt to injury, there is always this one person in class who scores in the top percentages every single time, to this hated and envied genius, every concept is simple, every chemistry equation balance-able, every mathematical equation understandable and every biology terminology memorable. You end up opening the biology textbook, to study the human brain and see if brains are different, maybe the clever idiot has two parietal lobes. Alas, you realize that brains are all the same, and therefore there is no one to blame for your stupidity, as such, the only suitable course of action to hate the clever idiot more.
IF ONLY I WAS BILL GATES
God made man, man made money, money made man very jealous. Every guy, in their secret musings, fantasizes about being the richest man on the planet, I mean, what is more enviable than having more dough than anyone on earth, and trust me, every boy, man, father and grandfather wishes to be the subject of envy. It is an obvious rationale that, if people envy you, you are better than them. That much money, I would pee on the main street of the capital, abuse the president, have sex in between the goal posts of the biggest football stadium and buy a big ass yacht and name it “Am richest”
Alas, wishes are not horses. Sorry folks, there can only be one richest man at a time.
I NEED A SUGAR MUMMY
Ladies, don’t be fooled, every sane guy, born in lower classes of society, has thought this thought. Do not misunderstand, thinking it is not the same as doing it. Besides, this thought is only entertained when money is a problem, financial difficulties can make even then most sane guy do the most insane things. Problem is, the sugar mummies we think about do not even exist. We usually visualize, a rich beautiful madam, in her early thirties, looking for sex. But then we realize that the only sugar mummies out there are ugly grandmothers, in their late fifties, who for one reason or the other, never had enough sex in their nether years and want to be reminded what if feels like. Yuck!
AM I HANDSOME?
Believe it or not, and no matter how much they might argue to the contrary, guys are emotional too. If a guy undergoes a long dry spell (And for idiots who don’t understand what a dry spell in this context means… A dry spell is a period of loneliness and sex deprivation, where every lady a guy HUMBLY requests to have sex with refuses) the guy in question will start voicing questions, one of which will be if they are handsome. The problem with this mentality is that it achieves nothing apart from self-pity. And those feelings of depression will be magnified if you are ugly to begin with. So ladies, next time you see a guy considering to kill them self, just give him sex. Pretty please..?
WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO HAVE A THREESOME
YES! Guilty pleasures. Threesomes are every guy’s dream, the number three is symbolic. It is divine. And before you judge, just picture what every guy pictures when they closet themselves to masturbate.
One guy. Two ladies. One room, NAKED.
Damn, that is some legendary shit the likes of Pythagoras theorem and trigonometry, it’s primal and sensual like the pyramid of Giza or something. It ALMOST happened to me one time.
So, ladies there you have it. The secret list of five
Monday, 4 April 2016
Conformity is the death of progress.
Typically, am possessed of philosophical tendencies that drive me to questioning notions I deem illogical. What society condones and accepts, and that when looked at keenly don't fit, I upset.
That said, there are these assumptions based on misdirection and prejudice that we will do well to put away. Today I lay bare these societal stereotypes and those that drive them.
STEREOTYPE 1. Every successful person achieved their success through sheer determination, hard work and resilience
Driven by: Rich lazy snobs looking to justify their ill gotten positions.
Ladies not so much ladylike and gentlemen not so gentle, the saying nothing comes on a silver platter doesn't apply to everyone. Not every one starts from the bottom, some individuals are privileged to start from the middle, and at times even the top rungs of the societal ladder. They then proceed to yammering about how they started from the bottom and succeeded through effort. Never having known a day of hunger, dropped out of school or experienced the dozen difficult experiences that comes with poverty. If you are guilty as charged, stop running your mouth about your parents or relatives success, you, like so many others, are a lazy, luck buffoon.
STEREOTYPE 2. Every female socialite is a prostitute
Driven by: Ugly, jealous women looking to console themselves on their oh so slovenly looks.
If your looks leave a lot to be desired, blame your ugly parents. It doesn't give you the license to go about preaching the every socialite is a prostitute gospel, I mean, who are you to judge. In addition, most of the time female socialites cash in on their looks, and that's the same as what models do the world over. So by saying female socialites are prostitutes, does that mean female models ride the same boat. Go think about that.
STEREOTYPE 3. Every unemployed person is a brainless underachiever
Driven by: The society at large.
This stereotype is laughable. In a bastardized nation, where employment and professional advancement depends entirely on your connects and the people you know, to think that every unemployed person is brainless is just, well, very foolish.
STEREOTYPE 4. Every street urchin is a runaway.
Driven by: Mean, stingy individuals searching for an excuse not to part with a few coins on the streets.
This stereotype goes a long way in showing just how much the society is warped. Some individuals would rather keep a few coins and tell a street beggar to go back home, this to a person who knows no home but the street, than to give said beggar a few coins to buy breakfast. And we say human beings are humane, animals savage. In this case, the vice versa is true.
STEREOTYPE 5. Without money, relationships are bound to fail.
Driven by: Weave wearing, mascara painting, gold digging bitches whose fake eyelashes are the least fake attribute you need to worry about.
These women's ambition in life is to find a successful man, one whose success they did nothing to bring about, and latch onto the said man like some bed bug, hoping by all that is good that he will provide them a good life. Well, if you are guilty as charged, allow me to enlighten you. What do you take that rich man for? A fool? Do you think he will not see you for what you are? In most cases, you will be used and dumped. Its just that simple. You cannot reap where you did not sow.
STEREOTYPE 6. Every pregnant lady had sex
Driven by: Guys everywhere
This particular stereotype is understandable, sex being the most efficient and easily accessible tool for impregnation. Nonetheless, just because a woman is pregnant, doesn't necessarily mean they had sex. In this medically advanced world, there is such a thing as artificial insemination. The introduction of sperms into a woman's uterus for the purpose of achieving pregnancy. In addition, I have heard of rare cases where a woman became enceinte by swimming in a pool, and was vaginally penetrated by dexterous sperms.
STEREOTYPE 7. UNIVERSITIES ARE INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHER LEARNING.
Driven by: Old fashioned education stakeholders, who fail to understand that the application of the syllabus in society is non-applicable.
In high school, I would sometimes sit and ponder, awe struck, at what the universities represented. Institutions where the few privileged to attend get access to previously hidden/sacred knowledge that would somehow make them the betters of their counterparts not so privileged to have gone to university. I was wrong.
Imagine my horror and disappointment when I got to university, after just one semester I realized that the body I worshiped was a bedlam of corruption, a dogma of lecture missing lecturers and marauding "pupils" who sought the flimsiest excuse to riot all the while masquerading as enlightened university students.
STEREOTYPE 8. CAMPUS LADIES ARE LOSE, PARTY LOVING, BOOZE DRINKING INDIVIDUALS.
Driven by: The religious sectors of society.
All generalizations are false, including the generalization that all generalizations are false.
The above stereotype is perhaps easy to substantiate, that because the larger percentage of night club patrons in any night spot close to a campus is usually university goers. Nevertheless, the generalization is false. Believe it or not, there is a large number of University students that love books, and who would rather visit the library and drink coffee.
STEREOTYPE 9. ALL POLITICIANS ARE CORRUPT, LYING, POWER HUNGRY IDIOTS.
Driven by: Vote seeking politicians.
I can relate to this, having watched several parliamentary reruns and debates, to think different is hard. But, I am one of a few individuals that know they are not always right. I know for instance, that, somewhere in the world, there is a not yet discovered politician, whose motivations and intentions are pure.
STEREOTYPE 10. ALL MAASAI'S ARE BACKWARD AND OLD FASHIONED.
Driven by: The government, for the purpose of attracting revenue bearing tourists.
You see them in commercials, at the airport welcoming tourists, on the streets. Garbed in red shukas, ears pieced and hair painted. The society paints them as backward and illiterate, that, however is not the case. Some are tech-savvy, socially trained, fashion conscious individuals. Take L-jay Masai, the gospel singing sensation for instance.